Last Chance

Monday is the last day to buy magazines from my girls. Thanks for your support.

"Normal" blogging will resume next week.

Freebies

One of my favorite jokes goes like this:

What is a Jewish dilemma? Free Ham!

(Being Jewish and not liking ham much I can tell this joke, so hold those cards and letters folks.)

As an ESPN employee we get all sorts of web-based subscriptions like ESPN Insider and College Football Game Plan for free. It's a nice perk and I appreciate it. This morning however my e-mail in-box presented me with the equivalent of the Free Ham joke. Yes, ESPN HR has invited me to take advantage of my Annual Complimentary BASS Membership for BASS Insider. This would be fishing. BASSmaster. Basses. I pause here so that the jokes can just write themselves.

Believe it or not I will be turning down illustrated and animated tips; video instruction; exclusive online chats with pros; Bassmaster magazine online library access; and finally, exclusive discounts on merchandise and other BASS programs. Call me crazy, but this is actually no dilemma...not even close.

So, did you buy any magazines from my beautiful daughters yet?

Pimping for my Kids

It's that time of year everybody. Yes its time for the annual Magazine Drive fundraiser at Jamie and Kylie's school. This year's funds will go towards the new track. I know it sucks to get hit up to buy magazines but I politely ask that you read on. Thank you.

This year you can order magazines online by clicking on this link; Order Lots of Magazines!!!! Once there enter the school code for Laurel Hall which is W09198 (that's a zero). Next, enter Jamie or Kylie's first and last name. Then shop away! No checks, no receipts, no hard selling kids begging and most importantly no puppy-dog eyes tearing up over potential rejection. Best of all, you can renew existing subscriptions. How cool and easy is that?! Very.

Final favor, and I know you have to have some kind of Chutzpah to ask this, but if you find yourself ordering two or more magazines, if at all possible could you please place one order under each girl's name. I know it's asking a lot, but the girls and I appreciate all the support we can get. If you have questions please e-mail Debby by clicking on her name. Thanks everyone.

By the way, the last day to place an order is Monday, September 26th.

Nads?

I have never watched the Fox show Family Guy, but today while watching football I saw a commercial for the new season and it struck me that the character Peter is drawn with a pair of testicles posing as his chin. See for yourself....



Am I crazy (or gay) or does that look like nuts to you too?

zzzz - - - zzzzz - - -zzzz

I have not been sleeping well lately so the article in Parade magazine about getting a better night's sleep caught my eye. After reading through it I realized that there was a distinct possibility that I might be suffering from Sleep Apnea. Symptoms include waking up 2 - 3 times per night snoring and waking myself up snorting for air. I mentioned this to my doctor while I was having a routine blood test and she said lets send you out for a sleep study. Now I figured that it would take weeks to get scheduled for a Polysonogram but the sleep center had an opening for this past Saturday night so I figured what the heck, lets do it and get it over with and with the 3 day weekend I'd have an extra day to rebound just in case.

The center faxed me over 19 pages of documents to read and fill out prior to my appointment. The stand out item was the comment that sleep medication was not used and that "most people sleep much better in our center than they do at home." Let's just pause and let that hang in the air for a moment.....

Ok....wait for it......wait for it.....wait for it......and here it comes:

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!!

Explain to me why I will sleep better in a strange place on a smaller bed with a gazillion wires and sensors attached to my head, chest, fingers and legs. I mean at home in my California king sized bed, with my wife to cuddle up against and all the comforts of familiarity, I have problems staying asleep. But, no, this will be much more relaxing and serene. I roll over a lot and sleep on my side with an arm under my pillow usually. Not that night. I tried to fall asleep around 10:30 and probably tossed and turned for an hour. It felt like all night long, which in fact it was. Every move or readjustment I made caused me to tug and tangle the sensors. I had so many probes in my head that I felt like I had electric dreadlocks. But certainly I will sleep better....HA! I did no such thing. I slept like shit and felt crappy when the technician came in at 5:00am and said that he had enough data and that I could get up if I wanted to or I could keep sleeping. Gee, now there's a hard choice to make. Nope, I'm done, get me out of here. The technician said I slept 3-4 hours but never snored. What a surprise, I usually only snore when I am sound asleep so of course I didn't snore. Because I barely slept! I got home at 5:30am and promptly fell asleep for 4 hours. Monitor that! My guess is that the results will come back inconclusive. Ya think? Updates to follow....

Poor Planning

On the freeway this morning I saw a man walking away from his car carrying an empty gas can towards the offramp. I thought to myself how convenient, he has a gas can just in case he runs out of gas. Then I thought, its one thing to be prepared, its another thing to tempt fate.

Peekaboo

Tell me the truth. Am I invisible? I am starting to think that I must be. There have been incidents recently that lead me to believe that people cannot see me or my bright red car. Driving home tonight a car made a suicide left turn into my lane as I am flying down Cahuenga. This caused a pure Fred Flintstone foot through the floor panel moment mashing the brakes, cursing like a drunken teamster and honking the horn wishing it was a laser cannon. Best of all, there was no one behind me. For blocks. Literally. This ass clown couldn't wait for me to pass, she had to dart out into my lane and make me almost wet my pants. The car is bright fucking red.....puhleeeze. Remove head from ass, loser. This was the second or third type of near miss this week. Now that I commute farther and into the less affluent area of LA that is Hollywood, I imagine that I will see more and more of this type of poor driving judgment. Times like this make me wish I had my Durango still.

The other evidence that I have of my invisibility are two human collisions at Target in Hollywood. The first was actually with a shopping cart and to the drivers credit she was an older lady that couldn't steer her cart so I will cut her a tad of lack. Blind-eyed bitch. But nothing tops the third world myopic mama-san in the DVD section who had to be Helen Keller's identical twin. I am pursuing the titles standing there big as day in a bright gray T-shirt when this whore bag scrapes up against me with her cart and then her hip or big ass as she goes by and doesn't say a fucking word. I so wanted to yell at her "I guess at 6 feet 7 inches and 250 pounds I was kind of hard to see just standing there!" Her basket changing course by 15 degrees could have been a tip off as well. I am not sure which pisses me off more, people being oblivious to others in public places or my self restraint in-not unleashing hell on their stupid asses!

Anyway, let me know if you can hear me but can't see me. And I get the whole thing about how phones work so that doesn't count.